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The Workingtrans Blues

by Tawni Marshall

/
1.
Goddamn, my darling. Is it still safe to dream? The writing's on the wall, but the wall's too tall and it's too far to read. The engines are stalling and they are calling the police. They are kissing the flag, and they are whistling for dogs who are crawling with fleas. They say "I'll put you to work, boy, or I will put you to sleep. I'll feed your family to the disease in the street. He pays the taxes. She dreams in defeat. One day we will stop running, once I get back on my feet. Goddamn this summer. I can't get no relief as I tumble into autumn a turned over leaf. I didn't blossom like a flower. No, I survived like a weed. I get paid by the hour and I pay back just to be. They say "I'll put you to work, boy, or I will put you to sleep. I'll feed your family to the disease in the street. He pays the taxes. She dreams in defeat. One day we will stop running, once I get back on my feet. One day I will stop running.
2.
3.
Fill my heart with a bitter song, and I will hum the day away. I will make noise all day long, though I won't have much to say. In a crowded room, still going it alone. Bless my gait with a tattered grace I can drape atop this frame. I will serve them all day long. They won't even say my name. In a crowded room, still going it alone. See my face as a dirty mirror. You can't wipe the smudge away. I will shift shapes all day lone at the mercy of your gaze. In a crowded room, still going it alone. Fill my heart with a bitter song, and I will hum the day away. I will make noise all day long, though I won't have much to say. In a crowded room, still going it alone. In a crowded room, still going it alone.
4.
I know daylight's on the way. I've seen those dreams that wait below. Drag it into another day. There's so much I keep in tow. Can you see it aged into my face? 'Cause I can feel it creaking through my bones. I can feel the daylight on the way until well after the daylight's gone. Trying to keep afloat in the suburban waste. I'm the last one up trying to keep my soul. I know I've changed in most every way, but I can't change what I can't hold. I can feel the daylight on my face until well after the daylight's gone. I've seen those dreams that wait below. They drag me down into the undertow. 'Til my head's swirling with the places I have stood but never been before. I don't think I'll ever know my place. I don't think I'll ever go back home. I wonder if I'll ever get a taste of a medicine that's not my own. Can you see it aged into my face; those wasted years now etched in bone? I can feel the daylight on the way until well after the daylight's gone. I've been those girls time slowly broke. I've been the butt of a single joke told time and time again 'til it gets caught in their throat and I hope they choke. I know I've changed in most every way, but I can't change what I can't hold. I can feel the daylight on my face until well after the daylight's gone.
5.
I hadn't seen the highway in about 6 months or so. That's why I was crying when to my eyes the skyline rose. It's not like I've never seen it, It's just I've never seen it with these eyes before. I'd be a stranger to my own ghost, if she saw me. I'm counting myself lucky. I've been counting myself out. I'm so tired of counting on this clock that's counting down. I will not renounce my body, even when my body casts me out. ...and I'm in that lonely space. My ghost don't know my face. And my heart is broke in so many ways that have gathered in one place. I try to keep it straight. I try to pull my weight, but it's hard when I've been tucked away and pulling my own leg. It's been a long time... I hadn't seen the highway in about 6 months or so. That's why I was crying when to my eyes the skyline rose. It's not like I've never seen it, It's just I've never seen it with these eyes before. I'd be a stranger to my own ghost, if she saw me.
6.
Gather up all the trappings of the day. Coming back from the comedown after the fall. No matter how it happened, it happened the same, when it even happened at all. I try to face it with a grace that I have borrowed for so long that when I draw from the water down below it slips right through my fingers. I can't bring it to my face. It's a bitter pill that makes the sweetest song. No matter how it happened, it happened the same, and it's been happening for so long, that when I flow into the water down below, suspended up above me I can see it being replayed. I try to face it with a grace that I have borrowed for too long, then when I'm pulled down through the water found below, up above they notice there's a stranger in my place. It's a bitter pill that makes the sweetest song. No matter how it happened, it happened the same, and it's been happening for so long.
7.
When he shows up, I split, maybe not from where I sit, but trust me when I tell you that I'm gone gone gone. However I gotta sell it, whoever I gotta be, I can't help but get to feeling I got it wrong wrong wrong. I can't see him from my angle, but I hear him when I sing. I can't point the finger at him, even when he's fingering me. I can't place his face though they place him in most every place they're placing me. I guess we're bound to cross paths whatever place I go. When he shows up, I split. I tell myself they're full of shit. I try to get to feeling like they're wrong wrong wrong, Even when they didn't mean it, even when it was a slip, trust me when I tell you he's never gone gone gone. I can't see him from my angle, but I hear him when I sing. I can't point the finger at him, even when he's fingering me. I can't place his face though they place him in most every place they're placing me. I guess we're bound to cross paths whatever place I go. However I gotta sell it, whoever I gotta be, I can't help but get to feeling I got it wrong wrong wrong.
8.
Before I saw the light back when life was indecipherable, the back of my mind was finally coming to life. I was in my bedroom alone, picking at my sorrows. Trying to put the note to the tone. Trying to shape a language from the pain down below it. I was in my bedroom alone, waiting on tomorrow. Before I got it right, back when I was indescribable, the back of my mind was going under the knife. I was tired of being alone. I took whatever love I could borrow. Trying to put the note to the tone. Trying to shape my language, I can say what I want. I was in my bedroom alone, waiting on tomorrow. Once it settles down, will I start to settle in? Once it comes undone, will I know where to begin putting myself together again? Putting myself together. Trying to put the note to the tone. Trying to shape my language, I can say what I want. I was in my bedroom alone, waiting on tomorrow.

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released February 2, 2021

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Tawni Marshall Indianapolis, Indiana

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